Bad Timing & Mismatched Partners
Mirroring, judging, and a lack of understanding
Some of you don’t like the act of verbal processing.
I said it.
Verbal processing is when you work through experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc by talking. Being in conversation. You explain what happened and your thoughts on it by talking/typing it all out so you can process what happened. This can help you to get clarity in a situation and maybe even a different vantage point for a more comprehensive picture. Sometimes it’s to uncover the actions you want to take in reference to your processing, and sometimes it is simply just to process (or a combination of the two).
Not having access to process can cause you to get “stuck”, or have challenges come up later because of this unfinished experience. But I’ll come back to this later.
It’s easy to come in contact with conversations about staying in an action. Not talking just to talk. Starting a conversation with the goal of finding a solution or to identify opportunities and action steps. I start some of these conversations and I participate in them personally and professionally.
However, some of you do not want to hear people talk if they don’t know the goal in the beginning or if they cannot find the goal at the particular time you deem appropriate.
Just say you don’t like verbal processing.
None of this is not to say that talking and circling the drain and being stuck simply for the sake of it is cool to keep doing as a habit. No, it’s not. If you only want to complain and actually, possibly unconsciously, do not want to change anything, then at some point people don’t wanna talk. I get it. I’ve been on both sides of that.
I’ve been the person who had to make changes in friendships because I could no longer witness people smashing into a brick wall and expecting a different outcome. I’ve also been the person who wasn’t yet ready to make the change, but the processing of it helped me to get there and that took time. I am grateful for those that had the capacity and supported me by allowing me to verbally process. And I appreciate those that were transparent about the support they could not offer.
If you are not able to hold space for someone and they need to process, regardless of if they are action-oriented or not, just do both of you a solid, and tell them that your capacity just ain’t set up like that right now.
I have some people that I love dearly and if their capacity does not allow me to process the way that I need to within that moment, even if I am oriented on a goal, then I won’t give it to them. I don’t think less of them because I care enough about them to want them to be honest with me in that way. That’s the type of relationship that I like to be in with people.
I want to be consciously in relationships with people where we can be honest about what it is that we want and need. As well as our capacity. I want each of us to be honest about what can be provided, and both of us can honor where we are in that moment.
But to position things in a way that makes it seem as if it is wrong to need a soundboard…not cool. It comes off as if, those that do need to verbally process have a problem. That there is something wrong if that’s where you are and what you need.
The need to verbally process is also an action and not a static identity. I am often someone who benefits from verbal processing, however, it is not who I am as a human at all times. It does not define you in totality. Accessing this process is not a character flaw.
I am telling you and will say it again, there’s nothing wrong with you.
The effect of hyper-individualism has us thinking that we can’t be human and it creates a necessity to minimize the needs of others because our capacity has been so diminished. What capacity we have has been promised to the extraction of systems that we didn’t get the choice to opt in to or out of.
We have patience for extractive systems that throw us crumbs like pigeons but we have none for one another and the opportunity to create the community we so desperately crave.
To live this life means that you are experiencing a myriad of thoughts and feelings at any given time. The need to shorten the process of processing is how we end up with more shadow work to process. Because our process is interrupted.
We don’t all learn the same way so why would I process the same way?
Every day is a different day and allowing people to honor where they are in that moment is just as valid as you being able to honor where you are when your capacity cannot hold more.
If you truly cannot hold space for people that do not process in the way that you process, release them to go find places that are better suited for where they are in this point in their life. Allow the space that is now open for you to either stay open to give you more breathing room, or to partner with someone who is a better fit. All of these, or even something else, are a-ok. The choice is yours. Allow yourself to find the match for you and evolve without additional unnecessary weight.
Also, remember that people are mirrors for ourselves so keep in mind that you might be getting a reflection of aspects of yourself that you don’t like. So own it instead of making it a problem with someone else. But that’s a convo for another day…