When Conversation Becomes More Than Just Talking
Verbal processing helps to...
Sometimes talking is just talking. But what happens when it changes?
What happens when talking about something that you have experienced becomes a cathartic way to witness the layers of it so you can peel it back and get it out of the way?
I used to diminish my efforts and say that I was “just” talking…thinking that what I offered personally and professionally was easy to diminish. Capitalism and some shitty programming convinced me that it wasn’t doing anything. As if there wasn’t a tangible outcome happening. And yet it was and still is producing tangible outcomes.
As someone who is a verbal processor, I’ve often heard sentiments like “get to the point“ because my need to talk through my thoughts in order to truly categorize them took too long (based on a colonial, made up concept of time, but I digress…). I couldn’t always figure out what the point was until I started talking. I want you to think about that.
Sometimes you can’t figure out the point until you start talking.
If you are someone that verbally processes, you will not always understand what the point is until you have been given the permission by yourself or others to just talk. Because this is where your magic is.
The problem with trying to simplify the train of thought of a verbal processor is that you are forcing them to condense not only the genius inside of their words, but the ability to piece the puzzle together as they’re talking. The conversation is about building a picture. Laying out the contributing actions, considering what the options are, and talking through some possible outcomes. Without the ability to build this puzzle, the picture is unfinished. And being stuck in the middle of unfinished processing is what continues to add to our shadows. The majority of us have enough shadow work to do. Let’s not needlessly add more to the list.
The major shift that needs to happen here is to understand that verbal processing in conversation is actually very tactical. It is the creation of a plan. One that understands where it originated and where it would like to conclude. Or is at least seeking to talk it through to find its origination and culmination. But it needs to unfold. It cannot be put into a perfect little 3 second soundbite. There is an exploration that has to happen in order to allow the picture to continue to become more clear.
The exploration also supports you in navigating the sock drawer of your own thoughts. Maybe they weren’t all matched up nicely and folded, however rummaging through this drawer can help you to find the matches, put them together, and be able to create some order out of the chaos. Not in the way that someone else needs you to order it, but in the way that works for you.
So if you’re doing all this talking, part of this is the desire for a partner in conversation that will allow you to navigate freely. You may feel disjointed, unclear, or like you’re taking a too-long trip around the world to get back to where you were trying to go. Taking too many turns. But as someone that is this kind of partner, it’s not always nearly as messy as you think it is. Actually, it’s often way more cohesive than you even realize. Because I’m using my outside vantage point to hold space for you I can more clearly envision the picture you’re creating as it comes together.
Now I do want to clarify something for a moment. There is verbal processing and then there is info dumping.
Verbal processing is when you are talking through a thought, feeling, or situation in order to gather your thoughts to get to an outcome.
Info dumping is simply a one-way conversation to disperse information that you need to expel.
Knowing which one you are actively engaging in is important so that you don’t conflate the two as the same. Not only is this important for the person that you are in conversation with, but also for how you categorize it in your own head. As well as the fact that it creates feelings in your body and being able to connect the thoughts with the feelings helps you to be present in your body.
A large part of verbal processing requires you to be present in your body and aware of what the processing is or is not offering in the way of tangible feelings. Very often as a society, we will say “I feel like” when we are really sharing thoughts and not feelings. This is a part of us being disconnected from our bodies and conflating thoughts with feelings.
Thinking happens in your head with your thoughts.
Feeling happens in your body with your visceral, tangible emotions.
These are two very different things. Being present in your body requires you to get increasingly clear on which one you are experiencing at any given time. Reconnecting to the literal feelings in your body is a part of reconnecting to your intuition and recalibrating your internal compass. It is often not a linear process. It may likely be a very global process. When I say global, I mean that it goes around and takes some detours and may or may not be simple or linear. It may be very indirect, but it is no less necessary for you.
Understanding what you are thinking and feeling as two separate entities is a beautiful side effect that can happen with processing. This supports you in your shadow work journey, and being a guide for this kind of journey is an honor for me. And being a guide means I don’t push, I only facilitate.
As a verbal processing guide, my goal is never to rush you. You won’t hear any statements harassing you to hurry up and leave the details behind if they are necessary for your processing. Completing the loop of an experience is not the same as “circling the drain” and staying stuck in the trauma, or an inability to move into action.
What often happens is that those I am guiding will recognize the details that maybe aren’t as helpful on their own, and begin to not even bring them into the conversation. When they have shared with me what their challenges are and what their goals are, then they inadvertently move in this direction often without me even having to direct them. Because this is what they want so they simply gravitate towards it.
This creates a space where you feel witnessed, respected, and held in a way that you likely don’t often receive as a verbose individual (remember that “get to the point” thing?). You may even begin to welcome some insights that help to create the picture you are moving towards so that you can witness it in full technicolor.
Verbal processing being perceived as an inconvenience or a nuisance can also mean that the vulnerability in it can be overlooked. In sharing what you are processing you are offering a gift that you are hoping is willing to be received. Some people may have barriers with this vulnerability, like feeling uncomfortable with allowing others to hold space for them. As the guide, I have had clients resistant to processing not because they don’t want to process, but because they are used to being the person holding space for others. So having space held for them may feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it can stem from it having felt unsafe to process. No matter the source of the discomfort, it doesn’t have to stay this way. You can move through these feelings and find ways to hold space for others and allow space to be held for you.
When I hold space for you…
I listen.
I reflect back.
I empathize.
I offer insight.
I position puzzle pieces near one another so that you can piece them together to continue to build your picture. I allow you to work through your process as you move toward your goal. My goal is to support you in reaching your goal. Getting more and more comfortable with using your voice, sharing your message, and constructing your picture in a way that works for you.
What would it feel like to receive this type of space? To know that you can show up exactly as you are, and that is more than enough.
Will you be able to navigate your thoughts as the gift that they are and unbox the treasures inside as you decide what to share with others and what to keep for yourself?
How willing are you to have space held explicitly for you?
Oh so much to explore…
This has been some insight into the 1:1 Shadow Work Guide Coaching Program I want to hold space for you in this way and cant wait to support you. Click the link above to learn more and get started today.
Erica✨