Individuation vs Individualism: Your Resistant Rebel Self
3 Actions to Support Your Shadow Work (and stop the sabotage)
Being different simply to do the opposite of everyone else is a waste of energy.
I said it.
If being different just makes you a part of a hoard of more of the same, then are you actually being different? Being who you are is what makes communal cohesion beautifully dynamic, but let’s question if who you are is based on your inherent uniqueness or simply a need to shirk the system in a contrary fashion that isn’t really you.
Based on insight from Carl Jung, individuation is about the collective and the individual and conversely it is likely that individualism is about the individual in an isolated and solitary way. Learning about yourself provides insight into how you intertwine with others by being more aware and in touch with who and how you are.
A need to defy the rules is not the same as being different.
The goal of self-exploration is not to exclude yourself from the collective but to be better equipped to operate well within it. You are meant to uncover what makes you who you are as an individual without being contrary from others just for the sake of obstinance. This is how you create a sustainable foundation for yourself that supports the collective whole.
Let’s uncover 3 ways that individualism (let’s call it being the “resistant rebel”) is getting in the way of your goal of interdependent community. As well as how these traits are useful when choosing to be in relationships with others.
Connecting with others makes space to connect more deeply with yourself.
You enjoy alone time, autonomy, and having an opinion of your own. None of these types of traits have to be lost as being a part of a community means that everyone’s needs are met, not that everyone has them met in the same way. Your sense of self is secure and able to thrive with a securely attached community of people. Sometimes the fear of acclimating to a fault makes you fearful of being in community (and understandably so). But the truth is that being in community can provide the collective safety and security that allows your true self to flourish and expand. Being in community does not mean you have no autonomy.
Being open and honest about your needs and boundaries can provide an opportunity where others feel free to do the same. Sharing what you don’t want to experience also allows room for open dialogue to happen. As these insights are shared, you are creating guardrails for how you want to interact with one another and you are able to solidify the need for individuality within the collective.
Does this bring up feelings of being misunderstood?
If so, it is a worthwhile opportunity to pause and reflect on if the call is coming from inside or outside on this one. Do feelings of being misunderstood exist presently or from past experiences? Is it being misunderstood or a lack of clarity, or maybe even a lack of respect for you? Languaging what is actually happening and the source of it can help to move through the challenge at hand and not let it pile up (and create more shadow work for later).
Rules collaborate with boundaries for expansion, not limitations.
As a creative person at my core, for years I thought that rules limited me. And experience has taught me otherwise. Rules and agreed-upon norms of the communities that I choose to participate in do not limit me. They actually give me parameters to operate within so I don’t have too many options that can create decision fatigue (kind of like giving an artist fewer colors than more can be better so they’re not overwhelmed with options). These rules inform the boundaries I create for myself.
Rules are the terms of engagement for how you want others to interact with you. Boundaries are your guidelines and “if this then that” parameters on how you will respond to how others interact with you. Boundaries are for you. Rules are for how you want to be treated (this has been my understanding over the years from a number of therapy/mental health sources).
Creating and being clear on the rules can feel like a hindrance for many and may call up feelings like being punished as a child or receiving detention in school especially if the rules feel arbitrary. And this is one of the important keys for this one. Rules are an agreed-upon set of do’s and don’t(s) that guide how a group of people interact with one another. Understanding the rules means that dialogue can be had to make sure that the rules are supportive and not oppressive. And they can evolve as the collective whole evolves. This offers an opportunity to evaluate our boundaries and how they support or undermine the environments we want to be an active part of. If adjustments need to be made, take it as a gift and not a drawback.
How have rules helped or harmed you in the past?
For many people, rules have been used as a tool of oppression and persecution. And personal boundaries are subsequently ignored. Many systems still perpetrate these discriminatory and incredibly harmful practices, however, you have an opportunity to create more equitable systems within the interdependent community environments you choose to participate in. Identifying how you will change the structures for the better that impact you and your fellow community members is big work, and some of the most important work you will ever partake in.
Interdependence is the competent counterbalance to dependence.
American exceptionalism is one of the greatest lies ever sold. No one does this thing called life all on their own. If you didn’t fish, forage, hunt, sew, build, etc in every aspect of your life then somewhere in the mix you got help. And the goal is to become more aware and connected to where this help comes from in order to properly acknowledge and honor the contributions of others. We need one another to flourish and thrive.
Life is a collective activity and we are meant to support one another so we are creating a cooperative unit for interdependence. However, we all need to play our roles so we are giving and receiving. This is the difference between interdependence and dependence. Many of us are currently dependent on the structures that feed us, employ us, offer us healthcare, etc in ways that separate us from one another.
What does it feel like to receive help and support from others?
Being fearful of being dependent on others can sometimes make you unwilling to ask for or receive help because of previous experiences that have happened to you or that you may have witnessed. But in truth needing help is not about being dependent. It is a normal part of the human experience and does not signal the presence of weakness or lack. It is about being present for the conduit of giving and receiving as you will be in both positions at many points throughout your life.
Do you recognize any of these feelings or behaviors within yourself? If so, begin with the prompts above and explore where they take you next. Be gentle & patient with yourself, and ask for help if you need it. You don’t have to do this alone.
Erica ✨